| (no subject) |
[Mar. 21st, 2008|09:46 am] |
i think i need help.
i'm having nightmares about nick trying to kill me.
i'm scared. not of nick, of myself. i'm going back to my old ways, back when i was on tons of meds for bipolar and i've got things i can't tell anyone. things i wouldn't be able to tell someone about in order to get medication for. what the hell do i do? |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 24th, 2007|12:36 am] |
i am laughing hysterically right now at nothing. nothing at all.
earlier i just wanted everyone to die.
and i am going insane.
we really, really need to talk.
hahhahaha. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 23rd, 2007|06:05 pm] |
i miss you. and i miss when i had friends, and i miss when people cared, and had time for me, and invited me places.
i can't stop crying. i just want to die. i want to die so badly megg.
god, i want to die. i feel so worthless and stupid and i hate myself.
i can't even find the words. |
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| happy 11:26am on a tuesday... |
[Jan. 16th, 2007|11:21 am] |
not a lot going on that you're completely oblivious to.
i'm so sick and tired of people trying to control my life, or even people who think they know what's right for me. it's not even only my parents. half my friends and other adults in my life keep throwing all these things at me, and if i don't agree completely with them, they're fucking offended. i don't understand why they even think my life isn't fine the way it is. i NEVER tell them what's going on.
every year, there's this huge cycle of things that goes on in my life. and, i'm trying to avoid it this year. i just, need one year, to myself. i need to take a whole year and just do as much as i can to regain the substance that belongs in this gaping hole inside of my fucking body. it's not only happiness i'm missing though. it's more than that, but not enough to be able to be put into words. the cycle gets more and more viscious as the year goes on, but i'm trying to stay strong. usually there's this hurricaine of regret, and looking back on the past, my parents and i fighting to the point of them beating me for about two weeks straight, my parents fighting to the point that one of them threatens to leave us, my mind completely giving up on me, and my emotions running completely wild to the point that i'm attempting suicide and hurting myself in some way for about a month straight, at the least, theres always this one, huge, disasterous event in my life that messes with my sanity and sends me into a state of blankness so that i just sit there and can't cry, can't feel, and then there's the times that i feel like my friends want nothing to do with me because i'm this huge fucking wreck, and then i'm alone for a long time. i'm sure theres more that goes on, and it doesn't happen in that exact order but, i guess that's how life is for me. i hope i can avoid it.
after i wrote that stuff in that other livejournal..my mom's friends came over and they sat, at my kitchen table, talking about how terrible i was and talking about all these things i should have done, and everything i fucked up, like they knew anything. i was ready to go out there and punch them in the face for sitting in my house and talking that badly about me, but i just sat here and let it go.
i love you meghan. sometimes i feel like you want me completely out of your life, and others, i think you want me to be in it.
going to see the baby now. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 17th, 2006|11:28 pm] |
 <3 i love you. and we should play pooh sticks another time. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 31st, 2006|10:57 pm] |
well.
i live in a fantasy world and i'm starting to not even care about anything all over again. i've felt like complete scum since the last weekend. everything is getting to me. i miss my best friend who i haven't seen in almost two fucking years. i feel unwanted. i feel unloved. today i was considering just dropping off the face of the earth so that when i came back MAYBE people would be like "omg i miss you i need you i love you" but i can't do that because i'm not emotionally stable enough. i'm not emotionally stable for much of anything lately. i hate everything about myself and i want to make everyone love me and want me and need me. i'm rambling a ton of repetitive nonsense and i...need a life. thats what i need. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 22nd, 2006|02:17 am] |
kp i lvoe you and were going to watch meteors at tehree oclock,.
yuou are playing sonci erslly good wexcept you are dying a tylo. and your are not killing the chckents. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 8th, 2006|03:59 am] |
it would be really good if you responded to this because if you dont i might just kill myself.
i feel so fucking...i dont know the word for it..right now.
i want to die. i want to cut. i want to get drunk and not remember everyday.
i want to go back in time and cancel fridays plans.
fkdnlkgmfgnmlfkgfdgnm.
i cant control this anymore.
i cant stop crying.
meghan i fucking need to talk to someone
anyone.
what happened to good ol' kp?
the one i thought i knew, the one i thought i would always be?
why does highschool and drugs and social cliques determine everything?
why does dropping out suddenly make me a failure at life?
why does dropping out of the one thing i dreaded more than losing everything i loved, keep rubbing itself in and making me feel worse still each and every day?
why can't i stop thinking these thoughts, and playing these words over and over i my head?
why does hearing "i love you" and "whats wrong" make me want to die more?
why am i so pathetic?
why can't i sleep even if my body is worn down beyond reason?
i love you meghan.
i need you meghan.
please, lets never ever fight again.
ever.
:( |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 5th, 2006|10:57 pm] |
okay so here the deal
freshman year i carried a bottle daily of motrin in my purse and re-filled it everynight.
but back then it wasnt this bad.
if i dont keep adding milligrams i'm in constant pain in my whole body to the point i can't move.
and i'm trying to stop them alltogether but it hurts so fucking bad.
i did this to myself. just like i hurt myself emotionally and mentally by talking to nick.
i love how i have tons of friends from lunenburg now that i don't even go there.
i also love how i just really wanna be close with everyone i know right now. on an extremely personal level. but still be able to hang out and have a good time. like heather and sarah. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 14th, 2006|11:22 pm] |
just to let you know, i'm so fucking excited about the 29th. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 31st, 2006|01:52 pm] |
"Childhood is what you spend the rest of your life trying to overcome. That's what momma always says. She says that beginnings are scary, endings are usually sad, but it's the middle that counts the most. Try to remember that when you find yourself at a new beginning. Just give hope a chance to float up. And it will..."
bnkjldnlkfdnb. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 20th, 2006|12:44 am] |
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yeah i totally know. |
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